A break up
Preface: This is probably a very personal post, it's up to you if you want to read it. It's part message-for-myself and part wanting-to-share-because-I-want-to-be-open-on-my-website.
All week I could not think of what post I wanted to put up. Nothing really felt right. But I believe in being genuine and, after trying to write a few different posts, this is what came out straight from me. But I don't really expect any responses from this, it's a very personal post that I felt I had to write.
J and I broke up after our South America trip, about 4.5 months ago. We'd been together for about 3.5 years, half of that long-distance (he in Amsterdam, I in Sydney) and half of that together in-person. I broke up with him because of a combination of two things.
1) I thought he was going to come to Australia with me, after our South America trip. He didn't have that plan in his mind, he wanted to go back to Amsterdam for a while to either work/study before perhaps coming to Sydney in the future.
And 2) I have had doubts in the past during our relationship, about whether he was the right person for me or not. I even considered breaking up in the past a few times, and we actually did have a small break once. To me, this him-not-coming-to-Sydney thing seemed like an opportune time to explore on my own and perhaps try to see what's out there and get rid of this doubt. I don't think the doubt was good for either me or the relationship.
Since that last day in South America, when we said good bye and didn't know if we'd ever see each other again, it's been really hard. It's been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions as we try to figure out the terms of the break up, if we could still be friends after, trying to be friends, getting very close, getting TOO close.
I think one of the hard things is that we broke up when we still loved each other and had the happiest time together in South America. It was truly great living in a van together - not perfect, for sure, a lot of car breakdowns and a lot of dumb situations. But so fun and challenging and learning a lot together.
Anyways, it's been getting harder and harder to become friends recently. We were skyping a lot and we were basically exes who were still best friends. A friend started a Tinder account for me recently and J took this news pretty hard, understandably.
We've decided now that we need to step away from each other. This makes a lot of sense and I believe it is the right thing to do. It is really hard though. But I'm writing this post to remind myself, now and in the future, that I had some of my happiest times with J. He taught me a lot, took care of me and made me very happy.
I think it's very easy for me to forget facts/truths like these when I get caught up in the moment/emotion/negative feelings. I have to write down these things otherwise memory and life may alter it over time.
Letting go will be hard. But I hope it will be okay, and I am happy that I still respect him a lot and I hope he respects me a lot too.