The other day, I read an Inc article about an 'unbucket list' - a list of things you're scared to do or always avoid doing, but that you wish you had the courage to do. Basically, a fucket list haha. I thought that was clever. It actually kind of hit me because I've found that, especially in recent years, there's been things I've wanted to do. But my brain convinces me otherwise. I'm not ready yet. I don't have the right tools. I don't want to impose on someone. On and on and on. My fear is something I grudge about myself. I hate that I'm so scared about things. But in the last two days I've really tried. To fucket. And just do it and not be scared.
So today's fucket is that I'll be posting pictures with myself in them. This is an issue I've been tossing around in my head since I started the website - I had this idea that I wanted to remain completely anonymous. I really wanted to just be any human being, that any other human being might be able to relate to. I also had this idea that I wanted to be like Daft Punk haha. I have a huge amount of respect for Daft Punk and well, they wanted people to judge them for their music, not for who they were or how they dressed or what they did in their daily lives.
But, well, I've come to realise a big part of who I am is sharing with people. And this website is meant to be my own little corner of the internet where I can feel comfortable sharing things. Because I really don't feel that way on Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, etc. There, I feel this anxiety whenever I'm about to share something. I want to share something with other people but I'm kind of scared of what will happen after, how it'll be received or (more rather, how it'll not be received). And I don't want that here so fuck it. Here goes.
Strap in for the ride kids, it's gon be a long one haha. :)
Yesterday I had a really nice day. It was really special to me.
This thought hit me, like really really hit me. You know how sometimes you hear all these cliches around but then one day, you really truly hear it. It's like all the other times it just passes pleasantly through your mind like a cloud ("do what you're passionate about" "do unto others what you'd like unto yourself"), and you smile and agree. In theory.
But then every now and then something happens and that exact same thing can hit you like a storm.
My storm was this: When I radiate positivity into the world, it radiates it back.
I know, yeah, there was no un-corny way to say it hahah. But I think I'm much better at showing than saying, so I'll try that...
On the train to uni, I managed to scrabble for a seat in this six seater. I opened my breakfast because I was starving - and I eat the same thing everyday. It's usually some variation of this, except yesterday it had strawberries / bananas / nuts / chocolate sprinkles haha.
I felt really bad eating it on the train cause I thought the pungent banana would bother the people around me. But after a minute the girl next to me was like "Okay wow, sorry, that smells so good." And we shared this small moment of open-ness and I told her about my entire fear that it smelt bad and would annoy people. And then we continued on with our lives, she continued studying and I continued listening to the Alive 2007 album (my go-to Tuesday album). But a minute later, I thought "maybe she might want to try some" and offered her some. She declined and we laughed. Haha I don't know why. It just felt funny.
And then the remainder of the trip I was telling myself to do it. I'd had this idea on the train a few weeks ago, the idea of a "Train Selfie series". It's because I noticed that almost no one seems to acknowledge each other on the train. You come and go, and yeah everyone's in their own world, I am too. I respect that. But sometimes, in moments where you just acknowledge another human being, it can feel so nice for some reason. It just has this pure simple-ness to it: for a moment, they acknowledge that you exist, and you acknowledge they exist. So I wanted to take train selfies to sort of 'acknowledge' the people around me.
But of course I never did it for 3 weeks. I said the selfie camera on my phone is stuffed up, I'd need to bring my camera. Then I didn't bring my camera because it was too big. Then I didn't want to do it cause I told myself I wanted to respect other people's privacies. All valid reasons but, I'm not going to lie to myself. They were all excuses.
So yesterday I thought I'd start small.
Next, my first class of the day finished early so I decided to go to the beach during my 2.5 hour break. It was 29 degrees yesterday so us lucky Sydney-sider's natural thinking is "beaaacchh time". On the way I passed this really cool tree, which I believe is the brother of my other most favourite tree in the world. This guy looks like a giraffe on the left. How cool is that hahah. Also I am always so astounded at how the trunk is all separated. I could walk through that gateway into the land of the Trees.
Waiting at the bus stop for my bus to the beach, this girl started walking towards the bus stop. And I knew her. Now, every single other time this has happened around uni, I get this like slow filling impending sense of dread. I try so many ways to avoid them and I feel like it's usually mutual - the other person ain't wanna talk to you too. But today, instead of avoiding eye contact and trying to hide behind things, I just looked her in the eye as she walked up and just felt open. Like what was the worst that could happen.
Actually, the worst thing in this situation did happen. It turned out she was going to the beach too. And we were waiting for the same bus. Which we'd have to take together. Hahahahha. This would've been my worse nightmare, that dread would've just overfilled and frothed out of my mouth on any other day. But I'm really glad we talked.
It wasn't awkward at all, and I felt like I had a real conversation with her. It was actually really funny cause she said she was going snorkelling and this 'ding!' went off in my brain. You know the 'ding!' I'm talking about - it's the one when you already know something about someone because you remember seeing something about it on your Facebook newsfeed waaay long ago hahahhahaha. And I actually explained the whole ding! thing to her haha. And later on when I brought up Mr. Human she was like "WAIT!!!! I KNOW THIS!!!! I saw pictures on facebook" and we laughed about the ding!-ness of it all hahah.
(see I wasn't lying when I said the selfie side of my phone is stuffed haha)
She was on her way snorkelling to Clovelly and invited me along (my original plan was just to go to Coogee Beach). But since Clovelly was further away than Coogee and I only had a 2 hour break whilst she had 3, I decided that I'd just accompany her on the walk towards Clovelly. And it worked perfectly because along the way there's a little bay called Gordon's Bay, where we parted ways. I think it's a great thing between two people when you can sense that the other wants to be alone and being okay with that. Like it doesn't need to be awkward or rude. You just both have mutual respect for each other's desire to have some solitude.
As soon as I walked into the bay, I felt like it was paradise. SERIOUSLY, I could not get over it. I was standing in the middle of the bay with my feet in the water trying to decide where to lay down. But I could only just marvel at how it looked like some sort of paradise scene from a movie. I really really really appreciated my university life and Sydney in that moment.
Seriously, LOOK AT IT. WHERE DID ALL THESE YOUNG PEOPLE COME FROM, LOUNGING ABOUT??? SHOULDN'T THEY HAVE SCHOOL OR UNI OR WORK OR SOMETHING?? But I guess the beauty was that I was there too in the middle of a Tuesday. So there we all just were, in this cosy little bay in the middle of the day in the middle of a weekday.
I hadn't brought any sunscreen but I asked a girl near me if I could borrow her's and she was so generous. Her bottle was literally like 7cm tall and almost empty and she still gave me some, and offered that if I needed anymore just to ask.
I was really happy I made the choice to go to the beach. I actually had booked a uni workshop that was meant to be during my break called "How to leave the nest" since my uni is running this "How to Adult" series haha. It was about how to become independent, live by yourself, etc. and that's something I've really been wanting to do. But fucket. People always rave about opportunity costs and rarararara. But life gave me this opportunity and I'm glad I took it. And I should probably learn about independence on my own haha, rather than some how-to guide from someone else.
So of course I swam in the middle of the bay. I had so much fun floating and playing and swimming by myself. I sometimes imagine I'm a little seal. I'm really happy I've gotten better at swimming over these last 2 years. I used to not be able to doggy paddle or swim anywhere where I couldn't stand. So it made me really proud yesterday to be out in the deep water by myself. And now I've also really come to love the water and the way it feels on my skin. Floating and becoming one with the movement.
I did a bit of reading too, I'm currently reading The Subtle Knife (the second series of the Dark Mistress series by Phillip Pulman, aka more widely known as the Golden Compass series). And of course took a classic selfie with a stunning face and precision placement of my hand exactly OVER the edge of the lens. That's how it's done, kids.
After my second class, I had an hour break from 3-4pm before my Parkour class. And I was determined. See, in week 3 of university I happened upon this little store called Thoughtful Foods at my university. And during the weeks since, I've been popping in there, checking it out, having some tea. I've wanted to volunteer but I kept missing every single volunteer training session (one is during my class every week, the other is on Saturdays).
So today I thought, fucket, I'll just ask the guy if there was any way that they could arrange an alternate time. And he said, "Yeah, I can do it right now if you want". And I did want that. :)
Next I had Parkour class which, if I'd blogged about it earlier, you would know that I've really loved Parkour. However, it was really fun in the beginning when we were learning basic things. But then in the last few weeks, it's gotten really hard. Like I'm not naturally able to do any of the things and I've realised that if I want to get better, I have to practice it. Ugh, practice. Commitment. Effort. Hahahah. But yeah I got really demotivated and didn't look forward to lessons anymore. I was just awful at it.
I talked about it with a friend and she said that I'd hit the learning curve stage, the part in learning new things when it's not just the fun, easy stuff anymore. It's the stage where it gets harder and actually requires commitment. I brought this up with my teacher yesterday and he said that he'd started Parkour with a lot of his friends but eventually, more and more gave up on it as it got harder. I really like my teacher actually, when I tell him stuff I find difficult he always has a personal story to share about how it was hard for him too or how he spent ages learning it in the beginning too. It makes me feel a lot better.
So yesterday I really tried to push myself. In past weeks when I failed or got hurt (which was a lot haha), I always felt demotivated and sad. But yesterday I kind of tried to take each failure, each time I got hurt, as a good thing. I actually started bleeding along my wrists for one of the things we were practicing. But I thought it was a good thing. I pretended I was that guy in Whiplash hahah.
And then when I was on my way home, I decided to walk home. Normally I get picked up by my parents, especially when it's dark because I always get paranoid people are following me when I walk home in the dark. But today my dad happened not to pick up the phone and it was balmy, warm weather for walking. So why not.
And I really felt like I got rewarded. The moon was insane yesterday. I don't know why, maybe you wouldn't think so but I really, really did. I would keep stopping along my walk to just stand and stare at it. Every step I'd try to catch glimpses of it between tree silhouettes. And I wanted to share it with people, I wanted to call out to people on the street "Hey, check out the moon!" but I didn't think anyone would care. I actually felt kind of sad that something so cool could be there and there was no one who could just look at it and appreciate it too, feel the same wonder I did.
When I got home, I told my brother to go check out the moon. But he was gaming so I figured he'd just tell me to go away, like he usually does during a game. But today he took off his headset straight away and we ran outside together to look at it, bringing his binoculars along. I thought how cool my brother was in that moment. We managed to get a photo of it through the binoculars - this tiny smile of a moon, with the full moon at the same time. :)
I think a big part of the reason why today meant a lot to me is because I've noticed that I've developed a bit of a victims mindset. I think... why couldn't this have happened or why can't it be different or why does it have to be like this, when things don't go the way I want. But I think it just dawned on me a little that my world is shaped by the choices I make. I'm not saying I'm perfect and still don't think sadly and victim-y, but I'm still happy because I know things build up over time. Storm after storm after storm, and finally there'll be something growing.
If you're still here and reading, it means a lot to me. It makes me happy when I can share things with people without being scared and each time someone says references something about my website, I get this little bubble of happiness inside me. So yeah... thanks haha.